


His fault

by Alika



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Drunk Sex, Explicit Sexual Content, Heavy Angst, Mpreg, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Stillbirth, Tags Contain Spoilers, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-03
Updated: 2017-10-31
Packaged: 2019-01-08 17:45:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 22,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12259083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alika/pseuds/Alika
Summary: Kasperi was his best friend.He was his best friend and William wanted him to be happy.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> IF YOU FOUND THIS THROUGH GOOGLING, KNOW ANYONE MENTIONED IN THIS STORY PERSONALLY, OR ARE MENTIONED YOURSELF: please, please click away. This is a fiction about real people. I do not own the players mentioned and as much as I know none of the things described here ever happened; any resemblance to any actual events are purely coincidental.
> 
> Hello! This is my first work for this fandom, and I hope you will like it. This was an idea I had for a moment, and I finally talked myself into posting it here. I started to write it mid-September so of course the results of the games mentioned for the 2017-2018 season are not true.
> 
> English is not my first language and this is not beta-ed so any mistakes are mine. I proof-read it three times already, but I'm pretty sure there still are some hanging there and it's totally fine if you point them out to me nicely. :) Also, I've learnt (and are still learning) English in the British way, so I apologies to you if you think it's weird to read it in British English while it happen mostly in Canada/America... (+ I tried to replace some words with the American ones, so I also apologies if it seems weird sometimes, I tried to do my best :/)
> 
> By the way I know Kasperi's girlfriend's name is Annika and she seems like a nice girl, so I prefered not to drag her into this, and invented an OFC.
> 
> I hope you will like it, because I truly enjoyed writing it, and feel free to give me some feedback :)
> 
> Much of love,  
> Alika
> 
> Edit: I'd like to thank ihavenotwittypunsforthisusername so much for the amazing beta work she did, this was so nice of you, I'd never be able to thank you enough!

Kasperi was his best friend.

He was his best friend and William wanted him to be happy. Kasperi was funny and nice, and always managed to make him smile, even when William was sad or angry for whatever reasons. Julia was a nice girl, and William was happy that his best friend had found someone like her. William was happy for Kasperi, really, he was. And William would have been happy too, if not for the fact that his heart literally broke when Kasperi announced to him that he was in a relationship with her and that they could no longer have what they had.

All in all, William knew it was the best for him; hooking up with Kasperi on a regular basis definitely was not helping him get over his feelings for his best friend; that’s what his head told him, but his heart was another problem. Hooking up with Kasperi had been the closest thing he could ever have with him, and knowing they would go back to the way they were before, purely friendly, had crushed him. When they had had sex - _and William knew this was wrong_ -, he had felt wanted, loved. It had hurt to know Kasperi was not entirely his’, but if this was the only way in which he could have him, so William was okay with it.

But then March came in, and Julia too.

William had not been ready, and to be honest, he thought he never would be.

William wanted to hate her. He really did, but it was simply impossible. She was way too perfect; a deadly gorgeous small blonde with blue eyes, a very smart law student who fitted perfectly next to Kasperi. She also was so sweet and caring, even with William when the Swede had clearly not been very nice with her at first. It was impossible to hate her. Moreover Kasperi literally beamed whenever he was with her. William had been the third wheel enough time times to know his best friend was truly in love with her and that she made him so much happier than William ever could. So he could not hate her, even though he did his fair share of trying.

It hurt. It hurt and he forced himself not to mope around. This was no-one’s fault except his own for falling in love when he knew perfectly his feelings were unrequited, and he could not hate Kasperi or his girlfriend for it.

So he kept it to himself, trying his best to move on. Unfortunately whenever he seemed to take a step forward, something happened that made him take two others backward.

 

❋

 

The first time it occurred, William seriously thought about dying. The noises themselves were like knives thrust deeper and deeper in into his heart as seconds passed by.

The grunts and high-pitched moans made him nauseous, and the Swede didn’t know how he managed not to throw up. He tried to block out the memories of Kasperi; he tried to forget how these grunts were the same as when the Finn had been above him, with him, in him.

This was the worst.

The wall must be about ten centimeters thick and William could as well be next to them, it would be the same.

His heart ached so much he did not even have it in himself to cry.

 

❋

 

The entire team got trashed one night after a tough loss.  William vaguely remembered this night. He knew he must have spent most of the beginning of the night staring at Kasperi, before eventually leaving to the dance floor, doing his best to find a distraction from the hole in his chest.

_Fuck you Kassu_ , he thought as the pretty blonde he had found to spend the night with sank to her knees. _Fuck you, you and your perfect face. Fuck you, you and your perfect lips. Fuck you, you and your perfect body. Fuck you, you and your ability to make me laugh and be happy no matter what. Fuck you, for being you and making me fall in love with you._ And if a tear rolled down on his cheek when he came, the girl did not say anything as he went down on her too. And if for a few minutes he could forget everything, just focusing on leading his partner to orgasm, then he could do it; had to do it again.

So that is what he did. He hooked up so often after that night that he seriously started to think of himself as wicked. But this was his only way of coping. Feeling another warm body against his own, feeling them - _men and women, he did not care, never had and never will_ -, touching him, kissing him… this was close. As close as it could be to feel wanted and loved like he had with Kasperi before. But this was not enough, even hooking up with Kasperi had not been enough. He wanted more, he needed more, and he needed Kasperi, entirely. He needed the Finn to love him as much as he loved him. But he could never have that. He knew it, had always known it; this coping mechanism was short term, one day he’ll have to face his pain again.

Soon enough quick blowjobs, or hand jobs in clubs’ bathrooms were not enough anymore, and he started to bring his conquests home. If Kasperi felt ok enough to fuck Julia with only a wall between their rooms, then William could do this too.

“Hey, are you alright?” one of them – _James? Or was it Jack? William could not remember, and actually did not really care at this point_ \- asked him as they lay on his bed. William was on his side, showing him back, while facing the wall, and barely a minute ago they had been fucking like rabbits, William desperately trying to forget, and forget and forget. He knew the brown-haired man could see his shoulders shaking a bit, he was pretty sure that his muffled sniffles were as loud as they sounded in his head. Tonight was his twenty-first birthday and the Swede could never feel more alone than he did on this day.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m alright, dude,” he managed to croak. “You can sleep here if you want, I don’t care,” he added for good measure.

“Ok… Are you really ok, though? I know it’s not really ‘one-night-stand’ like but I can cuddle with you if you want…?” he offered, and William felt pathetic, when he muffled a ‘please’ and he felt the other man’s muscled arms circle his body.

“Heartache?” he simply said, not really asking, and William only nodded, not trusting his voice. “It sucks, I know. It will pass though, you’ll see.”

And then they remained silent for the rest of the night. William must have fallen asleep at some point, because when he woke up the guy had left, only leaving a post-it on his pillow.

‘ _It’ll get better.’_ it said, but William seriously doubted it.

 

❋

 

“Don’t you think you should slow down a bit?” Kasperi told him a morning at breakfast, just after his last ephemeral lover had closed the front door. He had not cried last night, which William considered as a victory. “It’s not really…”

“What? I can’t have fun, now?” he retorted defensively. Maybe a bit too defensively.

“No, well yes, you can but… I’m just worried, I don’t want it to impact your hockey, buddy,” the Finn lamely explained, and none of them were convinced of this explanation.

“I’m doing perfectly fine, thank you,” William simply answered before standing up and going back to his room, pretesting to be tired and needing to go back to sleep.

He cried instead.

William hated it.

 

❋

 

Thankfully, he managed to not bring it on the ice. William played his best, the Leafs winning more games than they lost, and it felt good. Being on the ice was among the only moments where he could forget. When he stepped on it, everything went away, and he simply focused on the game, focused on the puck, focused on winning.

“Are you and Kappy ok?” Matts asked out of the blue one day while they were sitting on his couch, playing CoD with Mitch. Unsurprisingly Auston was losing, and the only real ‘competition’ was between Marns and him.

“Yeah, why?”

“’Don’t know, just, you seem… less close? Something happened? Usually he would have come along to play today,” the American explained and then asked.

“No, no we’re fine. And he’s with Julia today,” William tried to not grit his teeth while saying that. It was true. Since Julia and Kasperi had stated dating, William had felt like their friendship had been drifting apart, and this did not help at all with his heartache. Firstly he had lost the closest thing he could have had with Kasperi, and then his best friend had been sort of neglecting him. Surely they were living together, so they saw each other every day, but Julia was at their place more often than not.

“Ah, Julia! She’s the reason why, then,” Mitch told Auston, and William did not have the heart to contradict him. It was true, even if it was not her fault.

 

❋

 

The end of the season went by rather quickly. The team even managed to get a play-off spot, and even if they did not make it past the first round, this season had still been greater than it could’ve ever been.

As soon as he could, William flew out to Sweden and to his family. He had missed them.

He couldn’t stop smiling for the first week, spending most of his time with his younger sisters, playing with them, just forgetting everything. Forgetting about the previous months, about Kasperi, about his heartache. This felt good. So good that when he opened Instagram, he was nearly taken by surprise to see the pictures of Kasperi and Julia on their vacation. His heart immediately ached, and William was glad to still be in bed, so he could hide under his blanket and cry himself back to sleep when everything rushed back into his head.

His feelings, the pain.

Kasperi did not love him. He loved Julia. Not him.

William thought he could have forgotten it, but it was impossible. He had to move on, even if this was hard. It was hard, way too hard, and he tried to remember the post it. ‘It’ll get better’ James-or-Jack had written. Only it wasn’t getting better. At most it was only getting worse; even now that William was back home in Sweden and that Kasperi was in another country, far away from him and that they had not talked since he had left Toronto.

He did not get out of bed that day, except for family meals or to go to the bathroom  Neither did he the following day, or the day after that one. On the fourth day, his mother eventually pushed the door of his room, and sat on his bed.

William was facing the wall, sheets pulled up to his nose, trying to fake being asleep, but he knew she did not buy it.

“Willy, honey, talk to me,” she murmured while caressing his shoulder through the sheets. “I know you’re not sleeping by the way.”

William remained silent for a moment, “I’m okay, mama,” he sighed eventually, closing his eyes to prevent the threatening tears in his eyes to roll on his cheeks.

“This is not true, William, and we both know it. I will not push you, but you know that I’m here for you, you can tell me anything, ok? I just want you to be happy, love,” she said, caressing his hair now, and William knew he would not last long now.

“I know, thank you mama… I love you,” he eventually uttered while turning around, and extending his arms for a hug.

“I love you too, Willy, you’ll always be my baby boy,” she kissed his forehead, and it soothed him a bit.

His mother loved him, and even if this was not enough at least he knew he had her.

“I know I said I would not push you, but know that whoever makes you this sad doesn’t deserve you, William. If they can’t see how much of an amazing person you are, then you have to let them go,” she shushed against his hair and this is all it took for him to let the sobs take possession of his body. Kasperi was an amazing person, and that is the reason why he had fell in love with him, but his mother was right. He had to let go.

 

❋

 

William knew it was a bad idea, right from when he received the text. He knew that he should’ve made up an excuse and not gone, but his heart took over his mind, and he agreed.

So here he was now, sitting on a plane to Finland, about to land, and see Kasperi after nearly two months of radio silence. It was Kasperi’s birthday tonight, and his best friend had been quite vehement in his will to have him there to celebrate with him.

“Willy!” the Finn greeted him immediately as soon as he spotted him in the middle of the thankfully not too crowded airport. “I’m glad to have you here,” he exclaimed before hugging him, pressing him tightly against his chest.

William closed his eyes at the contact, forcing himself to return the hug and focusing on calming his heart down. Over the last few weeks he had managed to get a bit better, all thanks to his family. His sisters not asking questions and keeping him busy all day long, training for hours every day with his brother, or even going on long and soothing walk in the woods with his mother. He had caught up a bit with his friends in Sweden, and had managed to forget a bit about his aching heart and Kasperi for most of the days, only crying some at night where when the pain was too strong.

“I’m glad to be here too, Kassu,” William smiled, hoping it did not come out wrongly.

If it did, Kasperi did not comment on it, simply leading them outside to his car and the car ride took about half an hour to his parent’s country house. On the way, Kasperi told him all about his off-season so far, telling him about his small vacation with Julia, and how great it had been, and telling him how happy he was to be back in Finland, with his family, and to be able to spend time with his friends there. He even managed to make him laugh from time to time. It was almost normal, like it used to be before. William tried not to be sad at this realization. Things were how they were, sad or happy; he only hoped that this happy moment would last. He would hate it for it to be over so soon.

Kasperi had invited some of his Finnish friends over tonight and they had the house to themselves.

This was fun. They drank, they played games, they danced, they did everything people usually do in a party. It felt nice to see Kasperi like that with him, more open, and less distanced. He tried not to see too much in the hugs he gave him, or the small touch here and there they had. It was how it had been before, how they had behaved as friend around each others.

As the night went on, they drank more and more, not caring about how much they actually drank. When they all went to bed, William was way past the drunk point and so was Kasperi and none of them said anything when they went to bed together, cuddling under the sheets, their bodies against each other.

They still did not say a thing when somehow their lips found their way to one another’s in a firstly very tender but messy kiss. They had to wait for the kiss to get more and more heated, and for Kasperi’s hand to get under the hem of William’s shirt for a reaction.

“Fuck, Willy, I missed you so much,” the Finn breathed against the skin of his jaw, nibbling on it, and pressing their hips together.

“Kassu…” William moaned when he felt Kasperi’s teeth against his neck, sucking and biting it, most certainly leaving a mark.

“I want you, Willy… want you so much,” he said while his hands went further up under William’s shirt.

“Me too, ah, Kassu,” the Swede replied, while Kasperi was working on taking his shirt off. This was so wrong, they shouldn’t be doing this,  but William did not have it in him right now to think about the consequences.

Once done, he immediately started sucking back at his collarbone leaving a few more hickeys there, before kissing his way to his nipples. William arched his back at the sensation of Kasperi’s teeth biting into this tender part. He spent some times here, certainly remembering how much William loved it when he sucked at it, pinching and caressing it.

“Please Kassu,” he begged, not even knowing what he was asking for, but Kasperi seemed to know because he continued his way down his chest, kissing over his abs, and licking at his belly button, before pushing William’s jeans and underpants off all in one movement.

William shivered as the air hit his most private parts. Kasperi nudged his legs apart, and the Swede obligated, yearning for the Finn to finally touch him there. But it never came. When he opened his eyes again, Kasperi’s face was back in front of his, his eyes fully blown, and his full lips slightly parted as he panted.

“William,” he whimpered before kissing him forcefully, “Willy, please, let me… I need… I need to have you, let me please…” he begged against his lips, and William definitely could not deny him it, not when he sounded like that.

“Yes, please, Kassu, yes, yes,” he repeated like a mantra, while Kasperi went to kiss him again, pressing their bodies tightly against each others, grinding his clothed crotch against William’s bare dick. The Swede spread his legs wider if possible, giving more room for Kasperi to fit in between.

William groaned when Kasperi moved away briefly to rummage in his drawer, pulling out a bottle of lube out of it.

“’Can’t find the condoms,” he said eventually after a moment.

“’Don’t care, come on, Kassu,” William pulled him back against him, kissing him. This certainly was not the smartest thing to do, but right now he didn’t care.

Kasperi wasted no time after that, generously coating his fingers with lube and circling his fingertips against his hole. He massaged the area for a moment, before eventually pushing in with one finger.

“Ah, Kassu,” William moaned, and grabbed his dick, pressing around the base to not come too soon.

Kasperi started to move his finger afterward, pulling it in and out slowly at first, and then when it moved more easily, adding a second finger and scissoring inside of him. William moaned and panted at each thrust, and eventually the Finn added a third, hitting him in the right places. This was all too good, and he could not help but stroke himself a bit.

“Wait, let me,” Kasperi said, and before William could ask him what he meant, he pushed his hand on his dick aside, and soon enough his pink plump lips were circling the head, his tongue poking at his slit. Kasperi kept pushing his fingers inside of him, spreading them, while he lowered his mouth on William’s member.

“Oh God, Kassu, stop, stop, I want you inside, now, please,” he begged, and it took a few more second for the other one to move away.

“Ride me?” he asked and William did not really have a choice as he was already scooting aside to sit up against the head board, coating his cock with lube.

William straddled him without a word, and soon enough he was lowering himself on Kasperi, gasping loudly as he took the Finn more and more inside. Once fully seated, William felt like crying at how full he was. It felt so good, and he had missed it. He had missed being this close to Kasperi.

Slowly, William started to move his hips tentatively, his forehead resting against Kasperi’s as they breathed the same air, their lips only a few centimeters away, William could feel Kasperi’s hands on his hips, fingernails digging into the flesh there as he levered himself up only to fall back down shortly after. The rhythm was slow, but enough to let them panting as if they had played three hockey shifts in a row without a pause.

As time passed, William’s movements were becoming more and more erratic, and Kasperi started to thrust up to meet him.

“Oh my god, Kassu…,” William moaned, gripping Kasperi’s shoulder to keep his balance. This felt so good.

“Willy… Willy, you feel so good, so tight for me, Willy,” the Finn groaned, his thrust up becoming more and more forceful, hitting William’s prostate every time, and making him see stars. Kasperi bit at his shoulder at some point, and William whined at the combined sensation of pleasure and pain.

The movements were desperate now; both of them seeking their release, and it only took a few strokes on his dick for William to come between their chests. In the process he squeezed down on Kasperi so much that the other one came nearly immediately, pushing his seeds far inside of William, in a loud grunt.

They definitely would regret it tomorrow, but for now they just cuddled against each others, enjoying their post orgasm bliss.

 

❋

 

And regret they did.

As soon as William opened his eyes the following morning, he immediately knew it was bad. First, he knew that by the massive headache he had that they had gotten pretty blasted, and he did not even need to try to remember what they did last night to know they made a mistake; the dried come and lube between his legs and on his stomach were enough. He could feel Kasperi’s body next to him, his arms enrolled around him, his hands pressing against his ribcage, and his breath against his ear. The images were clear, he remembered everything; every touch, every breath, every sound. His heart tightened at the thought that this was all a mistake. They shouldn’t have done it. Kasperi was still with Julia, and William felt terrible for what had happened.

It was even worse when he realized that a small part of him was delighted. He shouldn’t be. Kasperi had cheated on Julia with him; Kasperi had simply fucked him, not made love to him. William was supposed to get over his feelings for him, and it had started to get better. He was back to his starting point now. This was horrible, a horrible terrible mess. For the both of them.

Eventually he felt Kasperi’s arms tighten around him, followed by a pained groan. Obviously the Finn was as hangover as William felt.

“Oh…” Kasperi said suddenly, moving away from him in a second. “Did we…?” and William simply nodded, his eyes closed, not daring to look at the other man. “Shit! Fuck! This is so bad oh my god!” he started to freak out getting up from the bed and grabbing his boxer short on the floor, hastily putting it on. “I’m so… Fuck! This-this… oh my!”

William did not say anything, remaining silent, laying on his back on the bed. He did not even know what to say. His eyes were still closed but he could hear Kasperi pacing around in the room, and he could perfectly imagine him pulling at his hair like he usually did when he was nervous.

“This obviously should never have happened,” the Finn eventually stated, and William refrained himself from snorting, this wouldn’t help. “Fuck, I’m so… and you why didn’t you stop me?!” he eventually exploded.

“I was as drunk as you! I didn’t know what I was doing either!” William defended himself, opening his eyes to stare at his friend across the room. Kasperi’s face was red, his eyes wide open, and William rarely had seen him this angry.

“And we didn’t even use a condom! Fuck! I hope you did not… I hope I didn’t catch anything with all the sleeping around you had these past months,” he half-growled half-shouted, completely out of his mind.

“Don’t you dare slut-shame me! I do whatever I want with MY body, and for your information I’m not stupid enough to do anything risky!” the Swede shouted back at him, and this was true, William never had risky sex, not before last night, not even with Kasperi when they had still been hooking up before Julia.

“Well you obviously were last night!”

“You didn’t say no either! We’re both in this; you can’t put all the blame on me! This is unfair!”

“I knew it was a bad idea to ask you to come here,” he mumbled, sitting at the end of the bed, hiding his face in his hands.

“Why did you invite me then?” William asked, trying not to let it show in his voice that he was hurt. Their conversation so far had been – _unsurprisingly, given the circumstances_ \- very painful. The words used were harsh, and it only promised to get worse.

“I wanted things to be back to normal… I miss you Willy… You are… or at least were, I don’t know where we stand right now, my best friend and I wanted things to be normal again,” he confessed, and from where he was William could not see Kasperi’s face, but he definitely could hear the threatening sobs in his best friend’s voice.

“I miss you too, Kassu… I love you,” he added the last part after a moment of silence, deciding that, if they were going to have a confession moment then he might be completely honest with him, even though the consequences could be very bad.

“I love you too, Willy, you’re my best friend,” the Finn said back.

“No. You don’t understand. I _love_ you,” he repeated, stressing the word ‘love’ in the hope Kasperi would understand now.

“What?” Kasperi turned around, staring at him confused, “You love me? As in, you love- _love_ me?”

“Yes… I’m in love with you, Kassu,” William explained, feeling the tears prickling in the corner of his eyes so he looked away.

“Fuck,” Kasperi breathed out, and William could still feel his eyes on him, certainly unable to move his gaze away, “I’m so sorry Willy… I-I love Julia… I-you’re my best friend… I’m sorry, I don’t-”

“I know, Kassu. You don’t have to feel sorry; it’s not your fault,” the Swede briefly looked at him before staring at his laps. He did not have the strength to look at him anymore.

“So that’s why then? That’s why you pulled away from me these past few months? That’s why you looked so sad?” now it was Kasperi who looked sad, his usually warm eyes now filled with sorrow, “Oh my god, that’s why you hooked up so much, you were trying to get over me!”

“Yes,” William simply answered. “I’m sorry… for ruining our friendship and… and for last night, “

“Yeah, well you don’t have to be sorry for either, you can’t control who you fall in love with,” Kasperi muttered, “and for last night… I, I’ll tell Julia, I hope she’ll forgive me, I love her so, so much, I don’t deserve her, she doesn’t deserve to be cheated on, she’s such a good person, I feel awful…”

“Yeah…”

 

❋

 

 

William smiled, staring out to the garden where his sisters were, the four of them laying on their towel around their swimming pool. The youngest one, Daniella was already nearly eleven. It felt unreal, she… had grown of about ten centimeters since Christmas and he had barely recognized her when he had come back home in June.

William missed them a lot during the year. He had loved growing up in a large family, and thankfully enough he was close enough to his teammates for it to feel like a family too, even if it still was different.

“Willy! Come back!” Jacquline called for him, and god she had changed so much too. Now seventeen, his little sister looked more and more like a young woman, her youth starting to fade away, her face becoming more mature, and let’s be honest here, her body fully grown into her adult size.

And so he walked the few meters separating him from his sisters, laying on his own towel in the middle of them, half listening to them as they gossiped around him. He closed his eyes, enjoying the warmth of the sun on his skin. Today was quite warm, and he was thankful to not have forgotten to put sunscreen on.

“So Willy, something to tell us about?” Michelle asked suddenly, and the hockey player nearly jumped of surprise at hearing his name.

“Uh?” he retorted confused, opening his eyes to look at his older sister on his right.

“I don’t know… you have someone to tell us about?”

“Nope, no one,” he said trying to not sound as uncomfortable as he was.

“Oh come on, don’t tell me there’s no one who are interested in you, not with such an angelic face,” she chirped him, pinching his cheek.

“I’m not- I don’t have anyone no,” he repeated, closing his eyes when the image of Kasperi came to his mind. He had to move on. Kasperi did not love him; he had been pretty clear about it.

It was mid August now, and three weeks had passed since their mistake. They had texted a bit in these weeks, but nothing big. Kasperi had told Julia, and as expected she had been fairly out of her mind about it. William did not know if they were still together, but he knew Kasperi was talking to her every day, all day long, doing everything he could to be forgiven.

William felt bad about it. He wanted Kasperi to be happy, and even if they were both to blame in this, William hated himself. This was the exact opposite as to make Kasperi happy, his best friend was miserable, and it was because of him.

“Mmh, I’m not convinced,” Michelle continued to dig in. “there’s something you’re not telling.”

“I told you, Michelle, I’m _not_ seeing anyone,” he growled. He loved Michelle, he loved his sisters, but sometimes they were just a bit too curious, digging their noses where he didn’t want them.

“But you wish you were, right? You like someone, right?”Jacquline half-asked half-stated.

“I… yes. I like someone, but he’s in a relationship and totally in love with his girlfriend, so end of the discussion,” he harshly responded, immediately feeling guilty for his tone. His family already knew about the fact he liked girls as much as he loved boys, so this was not a problem for them.

“I’m sorry, Willy, we didn’t want you to get angry,” Stephanie touched his hands as she spoke, and he let her, even lacing his fingers with her. He knew his little sister needed a lot of physical contact. She was very shy, always insecure, and touching the others, the ones she felt comfortable with, holding hands or hugging reassured her, made her feel at peace.

“It’s okay, I’m sorry too for talking to you like that,” he sighed, squeezing on Jacquline’s hand. “I don’t like talking about it.”

“That’s alright Willy, it will get better, you’ll see. Soon enough you’ll find someone else who will love you as much as you love them,” Michelle assured him and soon enough he was crushed under a pile of blonde and giggling girls, as they all tried to hug him at the same time.

 

❋

 

In the end, Julia forgave Kasperi. But the glance she threw him as he walked in their apartment the day he had flown back from Sweden to Toronto, training camps starting in a few days, was a look filled with hate. It was fair, William told himself. He was the one with whom her boyfriend had cheated on her with, and to top it all Kasperi and he were still going to live together. It was fair that she hated him.

The first time they had sex since they were back in Toronto, the moans William heard, the moans she made… it clearly was for him. To remind him that she was the one having, that she was the one Kasperi loved, the only one, and that he was a mistake. A dirty shameful mistake.

William remained still for the minutes it took, blankly staring at the ceiling above him. He wished he could block the sound out, he wished he could forget about them, he wished he could stop the dagger in his heart from sinking deeper. He had to move on.

The beginning of training camps in Niagara was a blessing when it started. William focused back on hockey. He had trained a lot during the off-season, and he could feel the benefits on the ice. He felt healthy, strong, and fast. He played well, greatly, and the coach even made a comment on his good shape. This was great.

He shared his room with Zach in Niagara and it was nice to have a break from living with Kasperi 24/7.

Soon enough, training camps ended and pre-season started.

Their first two games against Ottawa were terrible. They lose six to two in the first one, and five to two in the second. Thankfully the home game against Buffalo went well, even though they lose and so did the away one. William was glad he got to see his brother, even if it was an opponent. Alex and he were quite tight. The only boys out of six children, and only two years apart. They had paint the town red together, driving their parents mad; they had pushed each other on the ice, pushing each other to the top, and now hopefully they were both going to be NHL players this year, if Buffalo did not send him back to AHL for another year. They had trained together this summer, so he knew Alex was in an as great physical shape as him, thing should go well normally.

The rest of pre-season went well too. They won three out of their four remaining game, and now they were getting ready for their first game of the regular season on the fourth against the Jets.

They traveled to Winnipeg the day before, and William roomed with Zach again.

Things were tense at home. Kasperi clearly wanted things to be back to normal, he tried his best to make it alright, talking and joking normally with William but each time Julia was there –which meant most of the time-, the atmosphere suddenly changed. William usually remained in his room when she was there, or headed out to one of their teammates, not really in the state of mind to face her hatred.

“Everything’s alright with you and Kassu?” Zach asked him before bed, just after team dinner.

“Yeah, we’re fine,” William responded while plunging on his bed.

“I heard things got bad with his girl during the summer, do you think he’s alright?” the older one continued, and William could feel himself tense at that. He hoped Zach did not notice.

“Yeah, yeah I think so; they’re good now, don’t worry about it, buddy,” he remained vague, not daring to look at his teammate in case the Canadian could see his unease on his face.

“If you say so,” Zach answered, and thankfully enough he did not push further.  While most of the team knew about his bisexuality, very few of them knew about Kasperi’s, and William did not want them to know what had happened on Kasperi’s birthday. It was a mistake, and he did not want his teammates to see him differently, he did not want them to see him as a relationship-breaker. He was not. He wanted Kasperi to be happy; he wanted him to be happy even if it meant it was not with him but with Julia.

William fell asleep to this thought this night.  And he woke up with a start the next morning. He briefly had time to stretch before violently being taken out of bed to run to the toilets, throwing up so much that it ended in bile, the liquid burning his throat as he panted above the seat.

“You’re alright in there?” he heard Zach knock on the door, and William felt guilty for waking him up.  It was still early; they at least still had over an hour to sleep before having to get up for breakfast.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m okay,” William said back, and it was true, now that the content of his stomach was out he felt better. His stomach no longer cramped. It was confusing but he went back to bed after that, telling Zach over and over that he was okay, and that it surely was nothing.

And he indeed felt better for the rest of the day, eating normally. He had to wait for the evening for the remainder of his sickness to come back. Once more he found himself retching over the toilets, just before the beginning of the game. He didn’t use to be nervous about game before, even on his NHL debut he had been quite relaxed, but he thought his illness might be due to nervousness about the game. It could very well be, seeing how bad his life had turned outside of hockey; maybe he was nervous to fuck up his on ice life too?

Anyway, the game went fine afterward, and William did not feel nauseous anymore in the following days. This was nothing. He was ok.

 

❋

 

Until he was not anymore.

A week later, he was peacefully eating his breakfast in the kitchen, reading something on his phone, and the next second he was running for the bathroom. His heaving was painful, and tears strolled down his cheeks as he threw up his breakfast.

He had been fine. They did not even have a game tonight so it could not be nervousness. This was confusing.

The rest of the day was hell. Each time he had tried to get something down his throat, it came out in the following minute. He trained on an empty stomach, and his performance must have been as bad as he felt because coach kicked him out of training half-way through to go see the trainers.

The doctor ran as many tests as he could, not finding anything, only concluding it must be a small stomach bug. Nothing serious. He should be better in a few days.

They sent him home, giving his a few days of rest, and he spent them in bed, cuddling his pillow under his warm blanket, while his stomach clenched painful, either because he was hungry or because what he had tried to eat threatened to come out. The team was out of town on away games, and William had the entire apartment for himself.

On the fourth day, he eventually managed to keep his breakfast, and he counted that as a victory. The rest of the day, he was able to eat normally and so he fairly considered he was better.

This lasted two days.

He started to get worried when he woke up only to be nauseous again. This lasted the whole morning and he went to train nonetheless. As he felt better by noon, he played the game this night and thankfully, it did not affect his performance. They won and afterward they all went out to celebrate. Knowing his stomach was in a bad state lately, he did not dare drink more than a small beer, and getting back home early.

The sickness followed for the next days, only making itself present in the morning.

This was weird, and William did not dare go back to the trainers, fearing they would put him to rest again. This was not affecting his ice time, he played greatly, better than last year, and he definitely did not want to be sent away for a stomach bug.

 

❋

 

This lasted for two weeks and by the end of October he still did not know what was happening.

A phone call with his mom made him doubt though.

“You know about my cousin, Henrik, right? The one that was at Agneta’s wedding,” she started.

“Yes, I remember him. He’s gay right?” not that he cared that much, it was more to make the conversation.

“Yes, that’s him. Well I saw him the other day, and you won’t believe it! He’s expecting a baby! He said he did not know he was a carrier before, you know as there is no known carrier in the family he never got tested for it. It’s wonderful, don’t you think? Another baby in the family!” she exclaimed joyfully. His mother loved babies, and this certainly was one of the reason she had had six children.

Henrik was a carrier. It meant that the gene was in the family. And even though they were distant cousin, a thought started to emerge in William’s head.

What if…? No this could not be. There was no way. But on the other hand it could explain his sickness... But no, no, no it couldn’t be that.

As he was having an internal crisis, his mother kept talking, “… it is awesome! I’m so happy! And he seems so well! He’s not trying to hide like other carriers do, he’s proud of his baby bump. This is so rare; I wish people would get more tolerant about it. Giving birth is the most beautiful thin, no one should ever feel ashamed of being able to be able to give life!” she rambled.

And that too. It was a rare thing to be a carrier. It was even rarer for a carrier to even give birth, because the probability for a man to be a carrier and have homosexual intercourse at the same time was rather slim. He knew most of them did not tell anyone, and kept it to themselves, fearing what the society and its prejudice could do. Some of them feared persecution in their job or even with their family and friends. So most of them did not tell, and kept it to themselves.

He could not be. Could he?

It’s been years since he last had a panic attack but he quickly said his goodbyes to his mother, feeling his throat tighten. As soon as the line was off, he brought his hands against his face, covering his nose and mouth, breathing in his own carbon dioxide. He also tried to focus on the things around him, trying to pull his mind away from the frightening thought.

Thankfully it passed quickly, and less than a minute he was lying still on his bed, staring above him.

He could not be pregnant. Surely he had had unprotected sex with Kasperi, but the risk was so slim. Beside he had never shown any sign that he was a carrier. As soon as this thought came up, he realised how stupid it was. There was no way of learning other than being tested for the gene, or having an ultrasound of the area where the supposed uterus should be. William had never done such things. He had never been tested for the gene simply because there were no antecedents in his family, and never got an ultrasound, not even on another part of his body.

Without acknowledging it, his palm brushed against his lower stomach, looking for a bump. There was none.

If he really was pregnant, IF, then it would explain his sickness, but he refused to think about this possibility. He could not be the first man pregnant in the NHL. After that people would only ever remember that about him, and being in Toronto would become hell with the sharks that were the city’s medias. He could not be pregnant. William refused this for his life. He had had to give up so much for hockey; he would not be able to bear such a thing.

The sickness would go away. It was nothing. He was not pregnant. He was not a carrier.

        

William cried when he woke up sick the next morning. And cried again the two following morning, when it happened again.

He was lost in his thought for the rest of the days after his morning sicknesses, getting yelled at a lot during training. Coach definitely lost his mind on him, screaming to “ _FOCUS FOR FUCK’S SAKE_!” at him and William felt terrible each time.

He avoided everyone’s eyes in the locker room afterward. He knew they were concerned, but he could not bring himself to make up a lie for why he was so wistful.

Unsurprisingly, it was Kasperi who tried to talk to him about it when they got home. William knew some of the older ones must have asked him to do so, but he also knew Kasperi was concerned too.

He lived with Kasperi, so naturally the Finn had noticed his sickness, not commenting on it; certainly knowing William did not knew why it did not go away.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah, sure, why?” William answered nervously, picking up the plaid on the couch, and cuddling under it in the corner.

“We, uh… well, I noticed you were in your head this past few days, not saying much except for the necessary. I don’t know why you’re drawing back on yourself, but, you can talk to me you know. You’re my best friend, I want to be there for you,” Kasperi uttered sitting next to him, his concerned eyes firmly on him.

“I’m- I’m alright Kassu, don’t worry about me,” he tried to sound convincing, even trying to smile to his best friend. “I’m just thinking, nothing bad, I promise,” Only it was bad. Really bad. He hoped Kasperi could not read it on his face.

“If you say so… Promise you’ll tell me if something is not okay?”

“Yes, yes, I promise, Kassu. It will be ok,” he repeated, and at this point he did not know who he was trying to convince here; Kasperi or himself.

“Alright… cuddle with me?” he asked, changing the subject with a small smile and how was William supposed to say no when he looked at him like that.

And so they cuddled on the couch for the rest of the night, watching reruns of series. The moment was nice, and William wanted for it to stay like that forever. Only for a few hours everything was fine, no worries, no fear, just peace and joy to be with his best friend.

 

❋

 

The next day, William eventually walked through a drugstore, buying different brands of pregnancy tests just to be sure. Five tests should be enough to tell him what he wanted to know, he rationalised when he was faced with the shelf with at least a dozen different brands. He did not dare meeting the cashier’s eyes when he paid for it.

So here he was now waiting for the results. The boxes said it should not take longer than five minutes and so he sat there, on the floor of his bathroom, staring nervously at the tests on the floor in front of him.

Nothing had ever felt this stressful before. Not even his draft day; not even his first NHL game; not even playing in the final at the World Cup. Nothing. His future was contained in these five sticks in front of him.

His phone buzzed, telling him the five minutes had passed and he hastily picked one stick with shaky hands.

He inhaled, then exhaled and looked.

Positive.

He picked another.

Positive.

And another one.

Positive.

The two remaining ones said all the same.

Positive.

The tests were positive.

He was pregnant.

After his brain literally stopped. If asked he could not say what happened afterward. He just stared.

 

 

“Are you alright in there, Willy? It’s been nearly an hour you’re locked up,” Kasperi’s voice came out through the wood of the door and that’s when his brain started to register again.

Panic filled his body at the possibility of Kasperi finding him like that, learning about it like that, so he quickly stood up, picking the boxes and the tests from the floor and pushing them back in the paper bag the drugstore had given him before answering.

“Yeah, uhm, I had a bath and just lost track of time, I’m ok, don’t worry, I’m coming out in a minute,” William tried to sound alright even though his nerves were on the edge, his body seconds away from crumpling on the ground. After that he quickly wet his hair to make it more believable and eventually got out of the bathroom.

Thankfully, Kasperi was not waiting for him in front of the door, and he took advantage of that to rush to his room and hide the bag in the back of his closet.

 William grabbed his laptop after that, his hands mechanically tapping on the keyboard.

He learnt as much as he could about pregnancy and more precisely how complicated male pregnancy could be.  

He learnt about how male pregnancy could be complicated. For one, if he decided to keep the baby, there was no way that he would be able to carry it to the end, his male body had limits, and at the best he could hope to go up to seven months and a half before going into labour. He also learnt that under seven months of pregnancy there were few chances for the baby to survive. Which lead him to look for other alternatives, as to if he choose to not keep it, and what he learnt was not as helpful. male pregnancy being rare, abortions were still very risky for men, and could lead to permanent damage to the carrier’s body, as most of them did not have a fully effective birth canal. Therefore if he chooses to keep the baby then he would most likely have to undergo a c-section, and if he decided to get an abortion then he would have to undergo a surgery. C-sections being more common, there were a lot less risks as the doctors were used to do them regularly on the contrary to the kind of abortion he would have, which could leave him completely unable to have other children this way afterward.

This was a difficult choice.

He then looked up for information about doing sport while pregnant and half sighed of relief at what he found. While being highly recommended to continue to do sport while being pregnant, the idea of playing hockey, a contact sport seemed to be very controversial. He found on most websites that he should not try playing hockey after the first trimester, and this seemed logical. If he ever got a hard hit on his stomach then it could seriously wound the baby.

The more and more he read about it, William found himself more and more hesitant. He no longer cared about being the first pregnant player in the NHL. It was about his health, and the health of his possible child.

 And Kasperi.

This was Kasperi’s child, the Finn deserved to know. It was not his choice to make alone. But the thought of ever bringing up the pregnancy to his best friend filled William with dread.

What if… what if Kasperi rejected him after that, no longer wanting to be friend with him, being disgusted by him? William would never be able to overcome this. He had not chosen this. He had not chosen to be a carrier and he had even less chosen to get pregnant.

He could not tell Kasperi, not now at least, not until William had sorted his mind out and more or less decided what he would do.

 

❋

 

William was going to keep the baby.

What convinced him was seeing Bozie with his son when the older man had invited him and a few over to his house to have dinner. When he saw his teammate plays with Kanon, saw the joy and pride in his eyes as he looked at him, the prospect of never again be offered to have such a thing seemed impossible. This was a once in a life opportunity, and despite not knowing how having a baby would eventually work out for him, he could not let this chance pass. He would always regret if it went badly. He had to do this. He had to keep this baby.

William did not know how he was going to tell Kasperi about it, he hoped it would happen soon, and if Kasperi did not want to get involved, then it was ok, William could do it by himself, the Finn did not owe him anything. Sleeping together had been a mistake, and William had chosen alone to keep the baby, Kasperi did not have to put up with the consequences for the rest of his life if he did not want to.

The Swede did not know either how this would work out with hockey. He did not want to take a break for it, and was willing to take the risk of continue playing in his second trimester if his body allowed him to. Hopefully hockey gears would be big enough to hide his future bump for as long as he would remain on the ice. This was not his smartest choice, but he could not get away from hockey for months, firstly because people would ask a lot of questions about his disappearance and he did not want his pregnancy to go public so soon and secondly because hockey was his life. William could not imagine having to sit out for months, unable to help his team. He wanted to play. That’s all he had ever wanted since the age of four. He would continue playing; this was not up for discussions. He just would have to be extra careful.

 

❋

 

“You’re coming to celebrate with us tonight, Willy?” Auston asked him from across the room and William shook his head no.

“I think I’ll go home, I’m pretty tired, sorry, next time maybe?” he answered, smiling knowing perfectly well that no he would not go out the next time, nor would he the time after, or even for the next four months.

William had done the math. When he had found out about his pregnancy he had been about fourteen weeks pregnant, which meant he had been pregnant of nearly three months and a half. Now two weeks later, he had just started his fourth month of pregnancy.

In the past two weeks nothing had changed, except for the fact the morning sickness had eventually tamed down to disappear completely a few days ago. The day after he had decided to keep the baby he had went out and bought prenatal vitamins, and since then was taking them every morning. He still was not showing – _he had looked thoroughly at it in front of the mirror_ -, and it was great. He hoped it would last, but doubted it; for now the extra pounds of muscles he had gained during the summer surely helped to hide the possible bump.  His hockey had been great, he had played as well as he used to, even scoring on some of the games. Unfortunately there were downsides too, and each time he got boarded or hit, he instinctively touched his still flat stomach, hoping everything was okay. It was until now.

William also had not told Kasperi yet. He knew he had to, this was unfair to keep it away from him, he deserved to know, but he selfishly thought that as long Kasperi did not know then everything would be good. Another thought even crossed his mind one night, and he pushed it away as quickly as it came. He thought that if Kasperi could be happy with Julia, and did not love him like William did, then at least he had this baby. The baby could feel the hole in his heart. This was a terrible idea, and William felt even terrible for ever thinking about it. He will tell Kasperi about it… eventually.

Another ‘good’ side of the pregnancy was that now he had something to focus himself on apart from hockey, and therefore it helped him in his try to forget about his feelings for his best friend. The Swede focused on having an as healthy lifestyle he could get for the sake of the baby, getting to bed even earlier than before and refusing to go out to celebrate victories even if he would not get any alcohol. He had changed a lot since last season, and his teammates did not forget to tell him about it.

“It seems like our dear William is out of his slutty-phase,” Mitch had proclaimed some day after he had refused once more to go out, and they had all laughed at it.

The fatigue of the season had started to make itself present after one month back, and he could easily hide behind it to explain why all he longed after games or practices was to cuddle under a blanket and watch TV or just go to bed. The Swede knew many of the guys were confused with his behaviour but none of them commented on it more than what Mitch had said, some chirping him about becoming an old boring guy, but nothing more. Even Kasperi had called him boring one night, obviously chirping him, before cuddling with him on the couch the following minute.

Julia kept being at their apartment more often than not, and William surprisingly discovered that he cared less and less about it. He had other things to worry about other than his best-friend’s girlfriend who fairly hated him and how he wished Kasperi would return his feelings. Now all he cared about was telling Kasperi about the baby. Or to be more precise, about his immense nervousness about it, and the more days passed, the more nervous he became.

 

❋

 

It was in the middle of his seventeenth week that it appeared. His muscles had started to be less and less defined, finally letting place to a small roundness.

He noticed it one morning on the road while he was brushing his teeth and could not help but immediately touch it, feeling for it while a huge grin extended his lips. This finally became real. Well, it was real before, but now that he could feel it on his stomach it was as if it came true.

William smiled for the rest of the day after that, doing his best not to touch his stomach too often to not bring attention to it.

This was good.

Now he just had to find the courage to tell Kasperi.

 

❋

 

William would always remember the first time he felt it moving. William had looked it up a few weeks ago, and it said that he should be able to feel it around eighteen weeks, sometimes even a bit sooner, but by the nineteenth week he was worried to still not feel anything.

It was during a game against the Flames and he got boarded quite harshly by Giordano. It was legal so the whistle did not blow, but William still felt disoriented for a few seconds. It was the end of his shift therefore he skated to the bench quickly; his eyes still a bit unfocused.

He felt it the moment he sat on the bench and that he finally was able to catch his breath. He bended over to grab one of the water bottle and stilled in his movement. He waited for another second to pass and felt it again. This was faint but present nonetheless.

At this moment, William was shared between two feelings. The first being utter joy at finally feeling it moving, this was wonderful and he had been expecting it for weeks now; but he also was afraid. What if it had to do with the hit, what if the baby was doing badly because of it and this was its way of asking him to slow down and be more careful? Or worse…

For the end of the second period William could not help but replay the hit in his mind, asking himself if his stomach had gotten a lot of pressure on. Surely his head and shoulder had been more affected by it, but maybe, maybe his stomach had gotten hit too, and because of it the baby was going badly?

He spent most of intermission in the toilets, touching and looking at his bump for more manifestation of the baby only to make himself more and more nervous. At least he was not bleeding – _it had been the first thing he had checked_. This could not be bad, right?

“You’re okay, Willy?” Mo asked him, sitting next to him on the bench before the start of the third period.

“Yeah, I’m alright why?”

“You seemed pretty affected by the hit by Giordano, you did not get hurt right?” the older player inquired again.

“Yeah, no it’s okay, just got a bit confused afterward but I’m better now,” he smiled. It was true, he did get a bit disoriented after the hit, and he indeed was better now, but he was also extremely nervous.

“Good then, hopefully the third period will be good for us,” the Canadian nodded, and William hoped for the same thing. The Flames were already leading three one in the beginning of the third period and William wanted to win.

The Swede focused back on the game and eventually managed to score. Nazem did too but it was not enough and they lose four to three in overtime. It was not too bad but they still lose and the atmosphere in the locker room was still bad like each time they lost.

They left very early the morning after directly after the game, having an away game the following day against Edmonton.

William tried his best to get a bit of sleep, but it was difficult with his growing worries. He had set his seat in a laying position and so he laid under a plaid on his side facing the wall while one of his hands was pressed against the skin of his belly, absent-mindedly drawing patterns on it. Most of the team was minding their own business, some sleeping, some playing cards, and he could hear Marns and Marty voices in the row behind him. The mostly calm cabin contributed to sooth him a bit.

If the baby was really bad then he would have felt it move again, or he would have started bleeding and be in pain. That’s what had read about miscarriage, and up to now he did not have any symptoms. He surely was worrying too much.

He should be telling one of the trainers about it, they surely would know enough to reassure but William also knew that as soon as a member of the team, whether it be a player or a staff member, knew about his situation, then they would prevent him from continue playing. He could not stop playing, he needed it, and if continue playing meant having to deal with his worries by himself then be it.

 

❋

 

“Go left Willy! Careful, there’s a sniper in the building in front of you,” Mitch’s voice filled his ear through his headset. They were playing CoD for over an hour now, and his friend and teammate made a point to comment on everything, wanting to lead him through the game even though William perfectly knew how to play. This must be one of the side effects to have to play with Matts regularly – _he truly was bad at video-gaming despite the numerous hours William and Mitch spent teaching him_.

He had the apartment for himself, Kasperi being with Julia tonight. William had taken advantage of the situation by spreading on the whole length of the couch, resting his hands with the controller on his slightly more and more showing belly. He was glad he was not showing that much. He knew his belly was quite small for a five month pregnant person, but he had checked on the internet, the smallness of his bump was not to be worried about, as it happened to one male pregnancy on three, and the bump might get suddenly bigger closer to the seventh month and therefore delivery. William was okay with that, and he even remembered that his mother did not get very big either when she was pregnant of his sister, so it could be from that too.

Beside, this could not be handier to hide. He just had to wear loose clothes, and the winter helped him too as he could hide under layers of tissues without it being suspicious. When he was in his hockey gear, it was impossible to decipher any bump except if the person pressed his hands to his stomach, and then they would feel the bump there, but William took care of not letting anyone approach his stomach. This was a bit trickier when he had to get changed in the locker room though. He usually lingered long enough on the ice after practice for everyone to already be in the shower and then he could slide in a private shower stall without anyone noticing that he got dressed there as well after taking his shower, or after games, busied himself around until most of his teammates went to shower before doing the same as for practices. No one seemed to notice, or if they did, they did not comment on it and William was glad.

“I know Marns, you told it to me three times already,” he sighed in his mic, grabbing a pickle from the bowl on the coffee table. Pickles was one of his craving, and between that and cabbage – _one of his other craving, which was really weird considering he hated cabbage before_ -, it was impossible to prevent himself for eating it non-stop. He did his best to hide it from the others, but he knew they at least must have noticed.

“Well… better be safe than sorry,” Mitch only replied, and William could hear the grin in his voice.

They continued playing for the rest of the night, and William went to bed before Kasperi even got home.

Christmas was in two weeks now, and William’s parents would fly all the way from Sweden to Toronto to spend a few days with him and Alex. Alex would drive the short distance between Buffalo and Toronto, and then the whole family would be reunited. William could not wait. He missed his family a lot, and could not wait to finally spend time with them. What pained him, though, was that he would not be able to tell them. Surely they would know about his pregnancy at some point, but they could not know for now.

William had thought about it. He would remain quiet about his pregnancy and continue playing until his twenty-fourth week, which corresponded to six months. Therefore he would be out of hockey for about two or three months, counting the weeks of pregnancy and the few weeks he certainly would need to get back in shape after giving birth. The Swede knew he would get yelled at by many people for not telling a thing about his situation before, but it was the best plan he had came up with. His mother would go mad after him for not telling her she would become a grandmother sooner; the coach and trainers would give him a hell of a time for not saying anything to them and continue playing despite of the risks; his teammates certainly would get very confused; he preferred not to think about the reaction of the media and the fans; and as for Kasperi… well he hoped he would be brave enough to tell him beforehand, even though he knew that Kasperi would get mad at him in any cases for not telling him sooner.

William did not like to think about it. He knew he was not fair to Kasperi by not telling such an important thing. Kasperi was the father of this baby, he deserved more than anyone to know about it, but each time he got closer and closer to spill it to him, he chickened out. The Swede felt guilty, and the more and more days and weeks passed by, the more he found ‘reasons’ to chicken out. This was terrible and he did not know what to do about it except wait and see.

 

❋

 

They had an away game against Detroit on the fifteen. William’s family was arriving in a few days, on the morning of the nineteenth to be precise and would therefore be able to come and see their home game against the Flames in the afternoon, and then have dinner all together before he had to leave for two away games before Christmas. He would not be able to spend much time with them, but he knew they would be watching him on TV in the house they rented for their stay - _William’s and Kasperi’s apartment being way too small for all of them-_ and then he would be back home to spend as much time as he wanted with them. He could not wait, but now he had to focus back on what was happening around him.

The game was horrible. A real shit show. Tension could be sensed from both team, and it surprised no-one to see a fight start in middle of the second period. Tension definitely did not dissipate after that. The game was rough, hits were made every two minutes, and William feared the moment he would get hit too.

Hits were the hardest part about continue playing through his pregnancy. Since that first time the baby had moved, William had done his best to avoid getting hit, but sometime he could not, and it usually led to him freaking out afterward. There even was a very few times – _luckily_ \- where air was knocked out of his lungs as the body of an opponent crashed into his’, obviously hitting his stomach in the process. These were the worst, each time he crumpled to the ice, and could not help but take a few seconds more than it usually was necessary to check that everything was alright. Sometimes he even had to dismiss the trainers when they saw him not getting up for a bit too long. This was bad. He felt bad for continuing playing despite of the risks, but there were only three weeks left until he would announce his pregnancy. Eight more game to go and then everything would be alright. Hopefully.

 

❋

 

Having dinner with his family after so many months away from them definitely was the best thing William could have hoped for. This was awesome. Being surrounded by his sisters, his brother, his parents, this felt so right and the happiness around him nearly made him forget everything else.

Nearly because he had to be extra careful with them, not letting them hug him too close, or even not at all, or when his parents opened the bottle of wine, he had to come up with a pathetic excuse about ‘having a game tomorrow’ even though his parents perfectly knew a glass of wine should normally not do anything wrong. Normally. He was five months and a half pregnant, and they did not know about it. William felt terrible for not being able to share this information with them. His mother would be so delighted, he felt guilty for taking such a joy away from her.

The baby moved during the dinner; a lot to be precise. It was as if it could feel his joy, feel his happiness of being reunited with his family for Christmas. This idea made him smile even brighter than he already was, and he discreetly caressed the underside of his belly where the baby was pushing what must be his foot against the skin.

“Are you alright, sweetheart?” his mother asked him in the kitchen after dinner as he helped her put the dishes away. William startled.

“Uh, yes, uh I’m good, I mean, I’m tired with the season and all, but yeah, uh… why?” the hockey player answered nervously.

“I don’t know… I feel there’s something you’re not telling me… if this is about the same thing as this summer… If they make you unhappy then you need to let this person go, Willy…” she started grabbing his hand between hers in a gentle touch.

“Oh no, I’m alright Mom, it’s good,” and really William was doing better. Surely, his feelings had not gotten away like that, Kasperi was his best friend, he lived with him, he saw him too regularly for them to be away; but now, now William knew how to handle them, he had made peace with them, and did his best to forget about the longing that sometimes still made his heart clench. He had to let go. He was pregnant of Kasperi, and nearly entering his sixth month. Kasperi would surely hate him for never telling him before, so he had to let go and be ready when this hate will be directed against him. “I’m okay, really,” he repeated, squeezing her hand, and William did not know who he tried to reassure more here, him or his mother.

 

❋

 

William did not see it coming.

Or maybe a bit, but not like that. The game against Columbus was hard. He got boarded quite messily during the first, but as always he skated it off and continued playing. He felt a bit nauseous during the second intermission, but put it on the fact they were already losing three-zero, and surely was a bit nervous and the baby might feel it too.

He went out to play the third period like he always did, and eventually Auston managed to score, quickly followed by a goal from Mo a minute later. They were doing better. They still had more than ten minutes to equalise and then try and win the game. It was do-able, and William pushed himself even more when he was on the ice.

His effort eventually paid off, and William was about to put the puck in the back of the net when it happened.

One second he was aiming a shot toward the net, and the next he was face down to the ice, his eyes closed with the force of the impact of a body crashing against his.

He immediately knew this was wrong. Something was wrong. It did not felt like it usually did when he got hit. This… this was terrible.

The Swede tried to move, to get up to his knees, failing miserably, and only managing to turn on his side.

His middle ached. It ached so much the Swede could not help but roll himself into a ball, taking his gloves off to touch his bump, clutching it as if it could make the pain disappear.

He felt nauseous again.

The pain only seemed to heighten as seconds passed. Tears started to stroll down his cheeks, and he could hear confusion around him. His teammates had immediately come to check on him, and he could even faintly hear some of them arguing with Columbus players. Everyone was mad around, him, and William could not focus on anything else than the pain in his stomach.

This was bad, really bad, he knew it, he knew this was related to the baby, and this thought only made him cry harder.

“William! William can you hear me?” he faintly heard one of the trainers voice, but he could not focus on it. His mind was elsewhere. His mind was focused on realising something; a liquid was starting to slip between his legs.

He knew even without having to open his eyes what it was.

Blood.

And by the feel of how it slipped out of him, in a few seconds, the ice under him would sport the red stain of what was happening.

He was losing it. He was losing the baby.

 

The intense pain he had felt on the ice was contractions. The baby was doing badly because of the hit, and his body had immediately reacted by trying to push it out, trying to maybe save him by birthing it. But of course it did not work like that.

He had stopped crying somewhere in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. The doctor with him had tried to reassure him, to tell him that everything was going to be fine, but this could not. The baby, if he or she ever succeeded to survive until William would have to birth it, would not last long. He was twenty-two weeks pregnant; the baby could not survive at this point.

William hated the pitiful look the doctor gave him before doing the ultrasound. They both knew what it would show, but William still had to get it, for the doctors to know how the birth would go. This meant that they had to check whether his birth canal was developed enough or if he would have to get a c-section.

As if on cue, another contraction tore his body as the image loaded on the screen.

“Mr. Nylander… I’m sorry to have to inform you that the baby did not survive. There is no heartbeat,” the doctor said sternly.

William gritted his teeth, both from the physical pain of the contraction, but also the emotional one. The baby had not survived. The baby was dead. It was dead and it was his fault. If he had been less reckless, if he had been a responsible enough adult, he would not have continued playing. He had killed his baby. That’s all he could think about. That is the only thought that filled his mind.

It was his fault, and his alone.

The doctor gave him a few minutes after that to process what was happening. The contractions were barely two minutes away from each other, and the confirmation of the full development of his birth canal meant that he would deliver naturally very soon. The doctor had also informed him, seeing the rapidity of it all; it was too late to try and give him an epidural.

For the next five minutes he did nothing else than to cry. To cry and touch his stomach, his bump that he had gotten so used to caress discreetly whenever he could.

“Forgive me, oh please, baby… forgive me,” he repeated tirelessly, his sobs getting louder and louder, his body moving with the small jolts.

He continued crying when the doctor got back with two mid-wives. One tried to smile to him, even grabbing his hand for support as the other arranged him on the bed, in a birthing position. His legs were up and spread, his hockey clothes and gear long gone since he had arrived in the hospital, he was only wearing a hospital gown with no underwear.

“I’m Maria,” the woman who had grabbed his hand informed him. She was rather tall, brunette with warm brown eyes. She must be in her mid forties, and her smile reminded him of his mother; reassuring, tender. “Everything will be okay,” she continued but they both knew it was false. The baby was dead; he was giving birth to a stillborn. Nothing could be okay. “Do you wish to have someone with you? Your friend arrived a few minutes ago.”

His teammates were there, obviously worried and fully aware of what was happening. Kasperi was surely there, confused and maybe angry if he had put two and two together.

He could not do it alone. But he could not have them here either. He could not let them see how much of a wreck he was. He could not face them when he knew he had killed his own child. He could not face _him_.

“No. No, I’ll bear it,” and it did not exactly answer her question but it was meaningful. He would bear the pain. Bear the physical pain of giving birth, and the emotional pain of having killed his baby. This was something he would never forget. This was something he would beat himself up for the rest of his life.

“Okay, this is your decision,” she nodded, but she did not let go of his hand either, and he tried not to squeeze it too much when the doctor told him to push when another contraction started.

He pushed, and pushed, and pushed again. Gritting his teeth even more, not letting more than a few panting out. This was painful. The contraction had been horrible, but trying to push a baby out of himself, through his birth canal who was joined to his ass… this was another kind of pain. This was the worst pain he had to ever endure. No broken bones, not concussion, nothing could be compared to it.

William briefly thought this was part of his punishment when he felt the head sliding down.

He pushed this idea away when the doctor announced he had the head; that it was getting out. He focused his eyes to look at what was happening between his legs. He felt the baby sliding out, and the sensation was weird. What was even weirder was the feeling after that. He was empty. No more baby inside of him. He was no longer pregnant.

The Swede did not mean to at first, but his eyes eventually were drawn to the small form in the doctor’s arms, and before he could think about it he asked to see it. To see his stillborn baby. His baby.

At twenty-two weeks, it was not totally formed but it did look like a baby. It was barely bigger than his palm, and when the doctor delicately put it on his chest, William felt the tears strolling back down his cheeks.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry, please, please forgive me, I love you, baby, I love you so much,” his voice broke, and he delicately touched the small face of it; touched its closed eyelids, the small curve of its nose and the small lips. He briefly thought that they would have developed into full ones, like Kasperi’s.

“It was a girl,” Maria who still stood beside him, murmured, and it only resulted in making him cry even more.

His baby girl. He had lost her. He had lost her because of his selfishness, of his recklessness.

She would have been perfect, but now it was over. It was over because of him.

        


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! After nearly a month since the first part, the second one is finally here!  
> I know it took quite a long time, but I had a pretty busy October, and as you might all know, real life is more important. :)  
> Anyway, here is the second and last part, I hope you will like it. I proof-read it several time, but as for the first part I'm pretty sure there are mistakes left, so if you spot them, tell me I'll correct it directly :D  
> Much of love,  
> Alika

It was his fault.

That was the only thing he was able to think for the past week. That his daughter had died because of him, because he had carelessly continued playing, not even asking for a medical opinion about it. He knew the doctor would have told him to stop playing right away if he had, and that is why he had kept it a secret but now he hated himself for it. He hated himself for taking such risks, for being the reason why his baby was stillborn. It was his fault, he knew it, no matter what the doctor could ever say, he should not have been playing.

He felt like a monster.

She had been so perfect. So small, yet so beautiful; so delicate, yet so angelic. She was his little angel, and because of him she had not had the chance to be his little angel for longer than the few hours he had been allowed to see her.

William still had her small face engraved in the back of his eyes, and he would never forget it. She was his baby girl, so tiny and fragile, and he had been the one making the wrong decisions, putting them both at risk, until the bitter inevitable happened.

The few hours he had been able to spend with her had passed as if they were minutes. William had not been ready to say goodbye. Hell, he had not even been ready to say hello. If he had not been so irresponsible, she still would been safely tucked in his womb, turning around and kicking so much he would not be able to do anything else than caress his bump with a smile.

But now… now it was too late. It was over, his baby girl no longer was inside of him and it was his fault. Now all he felt when he touched his stomach was the emptiness of it, and the ache in his chest.

A week had passed since this sorrowful day, and all he had been able to think about was her. Not even his family at Christmas had been able to make him give a faint smile. They pitied him, he knew it. Everyone pitied him, and he definitely knew they knew it was his fault.

This was a nightmare, and he prayed every night that he would wake up soon. He did not, and each new day he struggled to drag himself out of bed, his body suddenly weighting tons, and his muscles refusing to carry him.

The team was supposed to have an away game tomorrow in Arizona, but William had been put on IR for an unknown amount of time. He needed to recover. Not physically; surely giving birth had drained him, it had been the most difficult and painful moment of his life, and it had taken him days before being able to walk or stand for more than a minute. No, he mostly needed to recover emotionally, and the trainers had been vehement about it. No matter how much he wanted to get back on the ice, focus solely on it, and forget everything else, he needed to sort himself out beforehand, he needed time to grief. He needed time to stop feeling so disgusted by himself, he needed to learn how to cope with the fact he would never forgive himself.

William had not seen any of his teammates since that day, and even then he had only seen three of them. He remembered this moment and the nearly constant warm tears sliding down his cheeks.

 

_She was in his arms, now cleaned up by the mid-wife, and they had informed her they would let him see her for a few hours before they would have to take her away. William could not take his eyes away from her, imprinting her in his memory. He was still cradling her to his chest, his face torn with sorrow, when a knock on the door made him look up. At first he thought it was the midwife coming back to take her away and he felt himself start crying again as he unconsciously brought her closer to him if it was even possible, but when he saw Bozie’s face show up behind the door, shortly followed by Mo and then Kasperi, a new wave of shame hit him and he could not bring himself to look at them, his eyes staring at his knees._

_They knew._

_They knew he was- no, he had been pregnant. They knew it was his fault that the baby girl that was supposed to be still inside of him was currently lying still in his arms. He could not look at them, they must pity him, hate him, be disgusted by him._

_“Willy…” Mo started, but never went further than that, certainly not even knowing what to say. Instead the older man got closer, and William unwillingly shrunk away when his teammate tried to touch his arm. He did not know why he did it, he was not afraid of Mo. Mo was his teammate, his friend, he was not going to hurt him, but William still moved away._

_A short silent moment passed where no one moved or said anything, before eventually; William found the strength in himself to lift his eyes from his knees._

_“Mo…” The Swede’s voice broke at his attempt, and he felt himself crumple again, his vision getting troubled. “Mo, I’m… she’s… I’m… I don’t…”_

_“I know, Willy, it will be ok,” the older man touched his shoulder and this time William let him, needing the reassurance._

_“We’re here for you, Willy, we all are, the whole team, we’re here,” Bozie added while getting closer and when William crossed his eyes, he knew Tyler meant it. They were here for him. They were not disgusted; confused yes, but not judgemental._

_“She is very beautiful, just like you,” Morgan eventually said after another moment of silence, and William knew he meant well, but he still felt warm tears stroll down his cheeks at this comment._

_She was beautiful, and he knew he was biased because she was his daughter and he would only see her as perfect. She would have been so pretty; he could imagine it, a beautiful little girl, about four years old, giggling, her warm blue eyes half closed, her full pink lips extended in a grin, her blond hair a bit wavy just like Kasperi’s._

_Kasperi._

_At the remembrance, his eyes immediately went up toward his friend standing still at the end of the bed. The Fins’ eyes were stuck to the bundle of flesh in his arms, studying it, his face not letting any emotions pass on it. He was unreadable, and it frightened William. He did not know Kasperi’s reaction to the situation. He needed Kasperi’s reaction. He needed to know what his best friend was thinking. He knew Kasperi already had made the math, he knew the Fins knew. Now William needed to know what he was thinking, if he hated him, if he was disgusted, angry, baffled, furious, resentful, hurt, horrified, or even repulsed. Anything, but he needed to know._

_Mo and Bozie must have guessed something was up, because Mo quickly,  told them they were going to give them some time alone, and in less than ten seconds William was left alone with his baby daddy, unable to say how this one was feeling._

_“This is mine,” Kasperi simply said after a long agonising silence for William. This was not a question, and William had been right to assume earlier that Kasperi would have understood._

_“Yes, she is,” the Swede simply answered, nervously, not knowing what else to say. Kasperi still did not let anything be read on his face and it was daunting._

_“Fuck,” the Fins muttered under his breath, finally removing his gaze from the stillborn baby in his arms, rubbing his eyes with the palms of his hands and turning away to sit on one of the chairs in the room. Another tensed silence filled the room afterward._

_This reaction was still very unclear. Obviously Kasperi was upset, but William dreaded that what would come next would be worse._

_“Say something, please,” William croaked eventually, his voice shaking, tears threatening for the umpteenth time today to fall down his cheeks._

_“What do you want me to say?”_

_“Anything, just… please Kassu,” he begged._

_“Ok, well, I don’t know. Whatever I could say would be too late now,” Kasperi said resigned, and William’s chest tightened._

_“But- you must feel something about it. You’re the father-” he started only to be interrupted._

_“As I said it’s too late now, whatever I could have- You never said anything to me, to anyone, you hid, you did not tell me, you made the choice. I’m the biological father yes, but you never let me be the father. What do you want me to say, William? That I’m angry?” he eventually exploded, “Because I definitely am. And I’m sad, and hurt, and even sadder to know that the baby, our baby, is stillborn, that within a minute I’ve been told that you were twenty-weeks pregnant and that I realised I was going to be a father, but also that the baby was dead, so that finally no, I was not going to be a father,” he rushed out, his face becoming red at the lack of oxygen._

_“I’m sorry,” The Swede sobbed, the tears once again wetting his face._

_“I know you, Willy. I even know you so well to know that you hate yourself enough, and that I don’t need to tell you more about how I’m feeling right now,” the Fins added and this sentence could mean a lot of thing, but William understood it in a very hurtful way. The only way that his guilty brain could process it: the death of their baby girl was his fault._

 

After this day, William had not seen Kasperi again. Actually, except for his family he had not really seen anyone else.  He did not want to see anyone; he did not want to face their pitying eyes. All he wanted to do was sleep. Sleep and forget. Cuddle under the blankets in his bed and forget, sleep it away. Forget that the bump on his stomach was now empty, that the baby that used to be there would soon be resting peacefully in the cemetery, the funeral being in a few days.

William knew it was not mandatory, neither was naming her, but he needed it. He had to. He had to give her something, give her a proper name, and give her a proper funeral after being the reason why she had been taken the chance away from discovering this world.

William squeezed his eyes shut at what this trail of thought brought. She would never cry, she would never learn to walk, nor speak, nor be able to play in the big garden of his parent’s house in Sweden. She would never smile at anything, not even to him, the one that bore him. She would never go to school and learn all about the beautiful thing out there. She would never live. She was dead before even being born, stillborn, all because of him.

❋

His family stayed until the day after the funeral. This one had been quite simple, not very long, yet very emotional. Very few people had come, Kasperi being amongst them, but they did not talk. Actually they were on opposite sides, listening to the ceremonial, with their eyes fixated on the floor. They did not speak either afterward as the very small coffin went away to be buried.

To be even more precise, William did not talk at all this day, not before way later in the night as he was lying still on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He had not been able to, a knot having formed in the back of his throat, preventing him to utter any sound other than sobs. He felt terrible when he could not even thank his family and friends when they tried to comfort him.

Tonight, his mind kept coming back to the night before the game tonight. How he had fallen asleep with a smile stretching his lips while his hand was tucked on the underside of his bump where the baby seemed to like kicking the most. She had been very active this night, waking him up several times, but each time, William had managed not to get pissed about it, enjoying the fact that she was there, that he was pregnant. This had been a joy, something he could not wait to talk about and now all he felt was shame and guilt about it.

He did not move when the mattress dipped beside him and soon enough his side was crushed with the weight of his brother’s body on it.

“This will be alright, Willy,” Alex ushered after a minute or two of silence, “it will never be totally ok, but it will be better, you’ll see. She’s better where she is now,” he tried but his brother had always been bad at comforting people. William was at least thankful that he at least tried, for him.

He thought about this morning in the bathroom when he had stared at his middle section, comparing the now loose skin, the remainder of his bump, to what it had looked like on the morning before the game.

“Thank you,” he eventually mumbled his throat dry from being silent all day long.

“You’re amazing Willy, don’t forget it. This is a difficult moment, and sure things could have been different, but this is the reality. This won’t change, and you will never forget, but you have to move on with your life,” the younger one told him, and William was surprised to hear his brother says such wise words. He expected it from his mother, but not from Alex who was still so young, younger than him.

“This is hard,” he breathed out in the silence of the night around them after another moment of silence.

“I know, Willy, I know,” Alex simply said hugging him closer.

“I can’t… I can’t imagine it being… better. This- She’s… It was my fault, Alex. I killed her, I killed my baby,” the older Swede started sobbing as he said it. He felt his brother’s arms tighten around him, and it should be comforting to know that he was there, holding him while he cried; that Alex was there for him no matter the circumstances; but it only made William cry harder.

“No, William, you cannot think like that-” his brother started only to be interrupted.

“But it’s true!” The older hockey player burst out, his voice croaking with the intense pain he felt in his chest, and preparing himself for the harsh words that would come out of his mouth, “If I had not been hit, if I had not been playing, if I had been responsible, and not negligent like I was, then… then none of this would have happened and she’ll still be safely inside of me. This is my fault! I’m a monster Alex! I killed my own daughter!” he let out, and it was the first time he said it out loud. Not even his mother who had tried to talk to him numerous time, or the trainers had been able to talk so much, to say how guilty he felt.

“Maybe you’re right. Maybe it is your fault,” Alex conceded and William felt as if he had been slapped. He had not expected his brother to be so blunt. “But maybe not. The doctors said she had problems with her lungs, so she might very well not have made it either if you had not been playing,” he added.

Sure enough the doctors had discovered that his daughter had had a lungs malformation and that the stillbirth could also have been from that, but William knew it was the hit. Or it had at least triggered her death, made it even harder for her if she had been struggling before. He knew that it was because of him, because he had continued playing. He knew deep down that it was his fault. This thought was tucked inside of him and would never leave. He knew, he just did and nothing would make him change his mind, so he had to deal with it.

None of them said anything more after that, Alex certainly having run out of way to try to comfort hi, and William feeling like his brother could never understand him. The younger one could never understand his guilt; this feeling of knowing that it was his fault, and that no matter what the others could say, it will always go back to the same conclusion. It was his fault. He had killed her.

And that is with this thought that he feel in a restless sleep, much like the nights before.

❋

Watching his team play a game from a box was an experience William had not experienced for a long time and the Swede perfectly remembered why he had hated it before. He yearned to be on the ice, to be able to play, to help his team. On top of that, the Leafs lose to the Canucks, and William had been spotted in the stand by the camera earlier, so when he got out of the arena, many fans had come up to him for autographs and photos, telling him about how they could not wait for him to recover and be back on the ice.

No one out of the organisation or his family knew about the true reason of his ‘injury’. Nothing had leaked in the media for now about his pregnancy, or more precisely lost of pregnancy, and William was glad of it. The last thing he wanted to see was to see scandals in the media. The first being that he was a carrier; the second that he had gotten pregnant, so that he had at least been engaged in gay sex once in his life; and the third that he had been reckless enough to kill his own baby. He did not need that right now, and he hoped this would not happen anytime soon.

The Swede got back to the apartment before Kasperi did and briefly contemplated waiting for him, maybe cook something and try to have a ‘normal’ evening, before remembering that did not do that anymore. They did not talk anymore and avoided each other even though they lived together. He knew Kasperi was mad at him, for various reasons, fair ones, and William could not blame him. The Swede felt guilty and ashamed of what had happened; he did not know what to tell him. 

It hurt William to know that their friendship will never be the same again. He did not even know if Kasperi and he would be able to talk normally again. Maybe he should move out? They both clearly would not be the same again, and staying here, keeping living with Kasperi, this hurt him too much. He still loved him, and when there had been the baby, he had been able to focus on something else, even if it had led him to take all the wrong decisions. But at least, he could think about something else than the fact he was still madly in love with his best-friend. Or maybe former best-friend seeing the situation.

This was hard. It felt as he was back to the starting point. This was even worse than before, because now added to the knowledge Kasperi would never love him as much as he did; that no matter what he did, no matter how strong his feelings and emotions were, the Finn man would never return them; now William also had to deal with the fact that he hated himself. He could not stand himself, could not look at himself more than five seconds in a mirror before wanting to either cry or throw up. He hated himself. He hated what he had done, he hated that he had lost the most beautiful thing that could have happened to him with his recklessness. He thought everything would be okay, that he could do it, that he could continue playing despite the risks he had read about on the internet; but it had been naive and idealistic to think that he could play with fire like that without it backfiring him.

He went to his room instead, lying in the same position he had been in this past days; on his side, cuddling a pillow that did nothing to sooth his sorrow, and staring outside the window, staring at the sky. His mind never stopped and while he did not have the energy to do something else, laying in the silence of his room proved to be worsening his state of mind day after day. This was even worse at night, when he was tired, and longing to finally fall asleep but that his mind simply could not shut down. That the same thoughts came back, over and over again, never leaving the open wounds to heal.

William heard Kasperi coming home at some point; heard him drop his bag in the middle of hall like he always did despite William’s best effort to tell him that the closet was just a metre away; he heard him go to the kitchen, opening the fridge, and different cupboards, certainly making himself a sandwich that actually did not really fit into their diet plans, like he always did after games; he heard his footstep in the corridor, heard him stop for a few seconds in front of William closed door, before he moved again in the direction of his room.

William exhaled a breath he had not realised he was holding, and clenched his eyes shut, trying his best to move the memories away. He needed to move on. He had to stop thinking about the Finn, about his delicious plump lips; his big nose that he could not help but love despite it not being pretty; or his intense eyes that never failed to make him forget about what surrounded them. He had to stop thinking about the way he always smirked when someone did or said something dumb and he did not want people to know that he found it funny. He had to stop thinking about the way he always chirped him about the amount of time he spent combing his hair. Or the blush that covered his cheeks when he was embarrassed. Or even the way sometime, he simply said ‘Yes, sure’ to something he had not quite grasped, just because he did not want to appear stupid. Or about how Kasperi always left everything around, always forgetting to clean after himself, and driving William insane each time he noticed something was at the wrong place – _and sure the Swede was maybe a bit fussy, and sometimes it was not that bad_ _but still Kasperi knew about it_ , he could try a bit more. All in all, he needed to stop thinking about all the thing that made Kasperi the person he was, the man he had fell in love with. He loved him, entirely, despite perfectly knowing Kasperi was not perfect. He was not going to lie about it; the cleaning example was enough to show he had some flaws. But despite driving him nuts at times, William still loved him for it, loved him for being his imperfect self.

But Kasperi did not love him.

At most he had seen him as his best friend before, or even had considered him attractive enough to have sex with him, but that was all. He did not love him like William did. And now that all that had happened, that it had all gone in the worse way, William doubted Kasperi could even see him as a friend ever again.

❋

“Hey man! How are you doing?” Mitch exclaimed when he arrived in the leaving room, walking in his direction to greet him. Auston winced beside him and elbowed him in ribs. “Ouch, Auston! What the fu- Oh…,” he suddenly quieted as he realised what he had said earlier, and sheepishly turned his eyes back on William cuddled under a blanket on the couch.

“I’m doing ok, Marns,” the Swede still answered, hating the fact his teammates were uncomfortable with him now; that they did not know what they could tell him or not. “You can sit you know?” he added, forcing a smile on his lips, when they both stayed up by the entrance of the room, not even having taken their coats off. This was terrible.

“Oh, yeah, of course,” Auston was the first to move sitting on the other side of the couch while Mitch sat in the armchair. “So…”

And after that a long silence filled the room.

This was uncomfortable and William did his best not to burst out crying. Things had changed now.

“This is so weird,” Mitch eventually breathed out, and William and Auston immediately turned their head toward him.

“Yeah…” William agreed.

“We’re here for you, you know, if you want to talk or-” Auston started but the Swede immediately interrupted him. Sure he knew he could talk to them, confide in them, but he was not ready. They obviously pitied him enough, and he did not need them to feel even sorrier for him.

“I know. Thank you, but I’d rather not talk about it.”

“Yeah, of course, your choice.” Mitch nodded.

And another silence filled the room.

“So… uhm… CoD?” the Canadian eventually offered, and Auston and he immediately agreed, as long as they could find something to do and interrupt this uncomfortable moment.

This was terrible, and all William wanted to do was run to room, and snuggles under the blankets, wishing the same thing as for the past weeks: to forget. Forget that now his closest friends on the team had troubles looking at him in the eyes; that they had troubles talking to him. He used to be close to them, he used to laugh his ass off at the crazy things that always came out of Mitch’s mouth; he did not use to snuggle under his blanket on the couch in their presence, hoping that he could disappear under it. The Swede hated this situation, and what he hated even more was the pitying glances his friends kept shooting him when they thought he would not notice. Of course he did! What were they expecting? Subtlety seemed to be a foreign word for them, and also having a stillborn baby did not alter his capacity to notice what was happening around him.

“I know you said you didn’t want to talk about it,” Auston started as Mitch was in the bathroom, and William restrained his will to heave a sigh. “But, I still need you to know that we’re all there for you. Not just me or Marns, the whole team, we’re all here if you need us, for… whatever really. And for the ‘carrier’ part too. We’re all chill about it, this is you, you’re like that and we don’t care, nor do we care who you have sex with,” he said quickly, his warm chocolate eyes never leaving William’s blues.

It was the blonde who looked away first as he felt his eyes fill with water, and he closed them, taking a few seconds to take a deep breath in and letting it out.

“Thank you,” he croaked out, and when he open his eyes again, he could not help but reach out for the other forward. Auston immediately moved closer and enrolled his arms around him.

“This will be ok, Willy,” he mumbled against his hair. “We love you, we’re here for you.”

That is the position in which Mitch found them when he got back, and he did not ask any questions, simply made his way to them and sat on the other side of William, sandwiching the Swede between their two bodies.

In this moment, for the first time in a long while, William felt loved.

❋

William woke up to shouting coming from the living room. He groggily took a quick glance to his phone’s screen, and frowned seeing it was a bit past eleven pm. He focused and immediately recognised the voices.

It was Kasperi and Julia, and it looked like they were arguing over something he could not decipher. Actually other than hearing loud voices he could not really make out the words. He thought he recognised his name at some point from Kasperi, and maybe the Finn was asking her to be less loud because he did not want them to wake him up, but it was followed by a loud snort and even more shouts coming from Julia. Since they had started dating, this was the first time the Swede heard them arguing that vehemently. Sure, they had had a few quarrels, like any other couples, but they had never shouted at each other, or at least not with William close-by, so it surprised him.

He did not know what to do. He definitely could not come out of his room and try to calm them a bit, because in the end he had this bad feeling, deep down, that he was an important factor in their fight. He did not want to think about it, but he knew this was true.

So he just laid on his bed, staring at the ceiling, and most of all feeling terrible for what was happening in the living room.

At some point, he heard Julia’s voice getting even louder, before the front door slammed. Then it was all silent.

The apartment remained silent for a few more minutes, and then William finally heard footsteps in the corridor leading to their bedrooms. Kasperi certainly was going to bed.

As usual, he heard him stop in front of his closed door, and expected him to stay there a few seconds and leave, like he did every night.

But not tonight.

Tonight, William heard the handle crank, and then the characteristic creaking sound of a door opening, and the Swede, in panic, thought about faking to be asleep. But he did not get the time to do so, as Kasperi’s face appeared in the doorframe, his eyes immediately locking in his’.

They stared at each other for a few moment – _William could not say for how long_ -, a tense silence filling the room, until eventually the Finn opened his mouth, “I’m sorry we woke you up,” he breathed out.

“It’s alright,” William simply answered, not knowing what more to say.

“I think Julia and I just broke up,” Kasperi blurted out, and William’s heart clenched at the pained look he gave him.

“I’m sorry,” and truly, William was.

“Can I- can I come?” he asked unsure, gesturing toward William’s bed.

“Uh… yes,” and this time it was William who was unsure.

“Thank you, but-… I meant, can I- could you hold me?” Kasperi reformulated, his tone definitely like a scared child, and William felt his heart clenching even more. He could not say no, even though he dearly wanted to. He could not say no to Kasperi, when the Finn needed him, needed his comfort.

“Yes. Of course,” he uttered mechanically, opening his arms for the slightly younger man to fit himself in.

And so they remained like that, William holding Kasperi, in silence, for another moment that the Swede could not say how long it lasted.

William was doing his best not to think about the last time they had hugged each other, the last time they had cuddled together, or even touched each other. He tried not to think about the warmth of Kasperi’s body against him trough the quilt –William being under it, and Kasperi above. He also tried not to think about Kasperi’s smell, about this musky yet very manly smell that he would always recognise as the one of his _-former?-_ best friend. He simply tried not to think that it was the man he had fell in love with in his arms; tried not to break his own heart even more than it already was at the idea that William would never have him the way he wanted, the way he needed him.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Kasperi suddenly asked, his voice shaking, and even if the question was not specific, and could be about anything really, William knew, understood.

“I don’t know,” he replied, clenching his eyes, already knowing that the discussion that was coming would be painful.

“But you must have reasons not to tell me such a thing!” Kasperi burst out, turning in his arms, certainly to look at his face but William could not say, as he did not dare opening his eyes.

“I-I’m sorry Kassu…” he mumbled, his throat feeling way too tight.

“I know you are, but this is not the answer to what I asked. Why, William? Why didn’t you tell me?” and now the Finn was shaking him frantically. And William felt like crying once again.

“I think… I think that at first I was scared,” He eventually admitted, hating that his voice was shaking so much, “scared of your reaction, of what you might or might not say; scared to lose you.” he added, finally daring to crack his eyes open, taking a brief glance at Kasperi’s face, and his heart clenched once more at the sight. Kasperi… Kasperi’s face was torn, sadness shadowing his usually warm features. “And then, the more weeks passed, the more I was scared. It was a vicious circle. I wanted to tell you. I really did, Kassu. And then I figured I was going to tell everyone in the week after New Year, so you would learn about it like that. I know it’s shitty, I’m so sorry.”

“I would have wanted to know earlier. I would not have been mad at you for getting pregnant, Willy… you obviously had not planned it,” Kasperi uttered while passing his hand in his hair that were getting a bit too long.

“I did not know I was a carrier.”

“Yes, I figured. But you should have told me way sooner. I deserved to know, I-I was the father! And you didn’t let me be the father!” he burst out again, and it definitely felt as if Kasperi had kicked him in the side.

“Kassu, I-” he stated to apologies again but was interrupted.

“I know you’re sorry, William. But I still don’t understand. I wish I had known. I wish… I keep having these dreams about us, about the pregnancy, about how I could have been there for you, for her. But you did not let me. I would have been there. This was my child too, William!” he pushed at William chest, and the Swede was definitely feeling the tears strolling down his cheeks, doing his best to not sob, “This was my daughter, and… and I did not even get to have the slightest chance to bond with her, despite her being stillborn. I would have wanted to feel her kick through your skin, or even talk to her, you know?” he continued indifferent to the fact William’s body was shaking with his sobs, “but now… now she’s not here anymore, and I did not even get to be there for her at all…” he concluded, and when William looked up he saw tears stream out of the slightly younger one’s eyes.

“I don’t know what to say… I’m… I’m sorry… I wish you could have done that, I wish I were still carrying her…”  he sobbed, his left hand pressing at his now empty stomach, pressing at the loose skin and wishing it still was firm like before, when she was still there, in his womb.

“I wish that too… you should not have been playing…”

“I-I know…” the Swede cried out, “I will never forgive myself, Kassu… I’m horrible… I killed her… I murdered our child…”

“No, no, don’t say that… She was sick, the doctors-” he tried but William interrupted him.

“But she could have made it, even if she was sick, she could have made it until birth. But I kept playing, and-and _that_ definitely did not help… this is my fault…” he croaked, his heart shattered in millions pieces.

“Maybe, but not entirely…” Kasperi grabbed his right hand, and squeezing it lightly, before pulling him against him and embracing him the same way William had just before.

They remained like that, cuddling, crying silently, trying to comfort each other, and that is how they fell asleep this night.

❋

The next morning, William dreaded that they would go back to how they were before, avoiding each other, but when he entered the kitchen and saw that Kasperi had made breakfast for the both of them, and not only himself like before, he knew things were going to be better.

As they ate breakfast, more or less in silence – _the both of them not being morning person_ -, he could not help but notice how often Kasperi looked at his phone set on the table beside his plate. From where he sat, William could see the lock screen. It was a picture of Kasperi and Julia, smiling at the camera. They looked happy on it.

“Julia and I are over for good,” Kasperi eventually breathed out. “She… she could not understand that I had trouble… grieving? She kept saying that I did not even know about the pregnancy so I could not get upset that it went like that. And she had forgiven me for cheating, but… this was too much for her,” he explained.

“I’m sorry,” he immediately said.

“Not your fault.”

“Uh, it kinda is, actually,” William replied uncomfortable.

“Yeah, well. I think it will be better like that,” the Finn concluded.

“If you think so,” William nodded, chewing on his lip.

❋

William got the clearance from the trainers to start training again after the bye week, and after that, things started to get better, even though, he kept having trouble to sleep, and thinking about what had happened. At first he was only allowed to do fitness training, to get him back in shape, and it took him a week and a half before they deemed him good enough to start skating again.

The morning before his first on-ice training with the team, William did not even know how he managed to get out of his car and walk up to the dressing room, seeing how nervous he was. Auston might have said that they were all okay with what had happened, with him being a carrier, and obviously liking men as much as women, but still, he was nervous that at least one of them could hate him or be disgusted by him.

In the end, it went fine. They all hugged him as soon as he entered the locker room, many of them saying that they had missed him. They did not even bat an eye at his still loose belly – _he had had a small bump, so there was not too much to lose, but still, it did not disappear by divine intervention_ \- when he changed into his training gear, and when he had to undress afterward.

Training was hard, as it always was, but as it was his first back, it was even harder for him. But he was glad of his aching muscles; it meant he was skating again; it meant his life was finally going on; he just needed to get his head going on too.

His relationship with Kasperi was doing great too. They did not avoid each other anymore; they even talked nearly as much as they did before; Kasperi even had surprised him one night by cuddling with him on the couch, snuggling under the blanket, like they used to do before it all went wrong. William was glad that their friendship was getting back to their ‘usual’, but he also knew that he had to be careful. Kasperi did not see him the way William saw him. Sure he must appreciate him a lot as a friend, but nothing more, and so William had to be careful to not hurt his heart more than it already was. it was not Kasperi’s fault, the Finn had done nothing wrong, behaved like a friend, and had been clear about it, so now it was up to William do deal with his feelings, and to move on about this too.

❋

William’s first game back was on the fist of February against the Rangers, and he did not stop grinning from the beginning to the end, happy to be able to do what he loved again. He even managed an assist on one of Auston’s two goals. In the end, they lost five to four in OT, so this was bad, but it could have been worse. Being back with the team after being out for a bit more than five weeks with a mysterious injury, also meant that the media definitely wanted him to do a post game interview and thankfully, he managed to dodge the questions about the ‘injury’, remaining mysterious despite the journalists’ clear annoyance with his vagueness.

After this first game back, everything settled back as usual, on a pattern of home and away games, training, and tiredness of the season.

The reminiscent of his baby bump eventually started to fade away, and his heart clenched one morning as he looked at himself in the mirror and noticed that there were nothing left of it, no more bump, just skin that seemed a bit looser than normal on his abs. This was it. There were no evidences left of what had happened. Of the baby that used to be there. He also noticed with surprise that he did not cry. Sure he felt sad, more than sad, but he did not cry when he thought about what had happened, and this, this was a progress. He would never forgive himself for it, for his mistakes and the cost of them, but at least he did not cry anymore.

❋

They had won a home game against Columbus tonight and having an optional skate that was optional only in the name the next morning, they had decided to go out to celebrate it. Tonight had been difficult. Both on the physical side, they had won the game one to zero, and it was the evident proof of how hard it had been, but also emotionally for William. The hit that made him lose the baby was against Columbus. Seeing Dubinsky across the ice, the one that had legally checked him, immediately brought back the memories of this horrible moment that he wanted to forget. The blood that had leaked out of him on the ice, the intense pain that he later learnt were contractions, the dreadful feeling linked with the knowledge that the baby was dying. Everything had rushed back, hitting him more and more each time he glanced at the defender.

So he did the stupidest thing, and got drunk.

To be fair, he was not the only one getting wasted tonight. Marns and Brownie definitely must have drunk as much as him if not more. 

He was drunk, but not drunk enough to not understand what was happening around him, just… slower.

Kasperi was drunk too, but William could not say how much.

Anyway, they got back home late, both of them struggling to open the door, but succeeding eventually because soon enough William was in their hall, taking off his coat, and turning around to bid Kasperi a good-night. Only he did not even get to open his mouth and pronounce the first syllables that Kasperi’s plump lips crashed against his own in a passionate kiss.

It took several second to William to understand what was happening and as soon as he did, he reluctantly pushed himself away, his heart breaking at the loss, but he could not do that. He could not just be a good and easy lay for Kasperi. He loved him, and he could not continue torturing himself like that.

“No, Kassu. I don’t want that, not anymore,” he said with a sad smile, and a tender ministration to Kasperi’s cheek. The Finn clearly was surprised but did not try to reach for him or to follow him when William left to his bedroom.

This was the smart decision, William mused in his bed afterward. He could not do that anymore.

❋

William did not know how breakfast would go the next morning. They definitely would need to talk about it, and it definitely would be weird.

The discussion eventually was postponed, when William woke up with a start, five minutes before they should be leaving for practice if they did not want to be late, and so the Swede hopped out of bed put on the first clothes that he found, spent just enough time in the bathroom to brush his teeth, and try and fail to comb his hair, before heading out, noticing that Kasperi had already left, leaving a note on the kitchen table about being sorry to not have woken him up.

Training usually was hard, but today it was worst with half of them being hangover, and coach losing his mind on them. Thankfully, they had won yesterday; otherwise he literally would have killed them.

“Can we talk?” Kasperi approached him in the locker room afterward.

“Sure, but maybe not here,” William replied and Kasperi only nodded before returning to his stall. The locker room definitely was not the right place to have such discussions.

They left together afterward, Kasperi driving them through the city, and William did not know where he was getting them seeing their apartment was in the other way. He eventually understood, recognising the road after a short while, and he smiled faintly when they arrived by the lake. Kasperi knew how much William loved to talk a walk around the lake, but could not do it as much as he wanted.

They walked in silence for a moment, both of them certainly collecting their thought, figuring how to start this conversation that clearly none of them wanted to have. They eventually stopped by a bench and sat on it, and that is the moment Kasperi took matter in his own hands, and started talking.

“I’m sorry about last night. I shouldn’t have done that, I shouldn’t have kissed you. This isn’t fair to you,” He said taking his eyes away from the view in front of them to look at William.

“Well yeah… I don’t want that anymore,” William replied, “I don’t want to be a simple fuck, and you know it.”

“You never were."

“You know what I mean Kassu. You know I’m in love with you,” the Swede stated. “I don’t want our friendship to get messy as it has been before. Nor do I want to be some sort of rebound.”

“I get it, don’t worry, and for the rebound part, I’ve moved on from Julia. We were not good for each other in the end. She could not understand me, nor understand my feelings regarding… regarding our daughter,” het explained.

“I named her you know,”

“Yes, I know, I was here at the burial remember?” he smiled faintly, and William had not realised that yes, her name had been said at the burial, and therefore whoever was there knew her name. “Lilja. The Finn name for Lily, and meaning purity and perfection. You choose really well, this is perfect.”

“You like it?”

“I love it. This is perfect for her,” he nodded. “So getting back to what I was saying, you would not have been a rebound, because I’m already over her,” he added looking at the ground beneath their feet.

“Yeah, well that’s good then. We can keep our friendship as it is then, and move on together,”

“Yeah, well, I’m not sure I want you to move on so soon,” Kasperi murmured so low that William nearly did not catch it. But he did, and he frowned, confused.

“What do you mean with that? I have to move on, I can’t be stuck in love with you for the rest of my life, while you don’t love me this way,” William said vehemently, not understanding his friend’s words.

“But I might, I think… I think I am, Willy, I think I love you, the same way you love me,” he mumbled unsure, his eyes eventually lifting from the ground and finding William’s.

“W-what?”

“I-I love you… more than in a friendly way,” he repeated with his eyes locked in his’, and then he started rambling nervously, “And it does not mean that I expect anything from you. I made you suffer enough; I'd understand if you don’t want me like that anymore and that you want to move on-”

“Oh my God, shut up for a minute, will you!” William stopped him, and kept silent for a whole thirty seconds of process, of understanding, decoding Kasperi’s words and their meaning. “Are you serious?” he eventually asked.

“Yes, I am. I realised my feelings were not that friendly anymore recently, I-… I love you, William, I fell in love with you, I don’t know when or how, not that falling in love with you is an impossible thing, you- god you’re perfect Willy… My point is that I realised my feelings were more than friendly, and… and I want more, and if you still do too, I’d be the happiest man alive,” he smiled, and William nearly cried of joy at what he just heard. This was a dream. Too good to be true.

But it was the reality. And when Kasperi tentatively reached out for his hand, William immediately gave it to him, his lips expending in the biggest smile he could ever make.

It was perfect, a hopeful new beginning. They both had been hurt, both still were licking some of their wounds and would be for a long time, but in the end they had found each other. And _that_ , that was the most important.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is the end. It's an happy end obviously, as I don't know how to do anything other, I hate it when it's sad...  
> I hope you liked it, I'd very much love to read about you opinion on it, so don't hesitate to comment (I accept both positive and negative remarks), or even leave a kudo, really as long as I have some feedbacks, I'm good with it :)  
> Much of love,  
> Alika

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, feel free to give me your opinion on it, I would love it :) Whether it be positive or negative as long as it's constructive :)
> 
> +This is supposed to have a second part, but I definitely can't say when it will be ready, so sory if it takes a lot of time :)
> 
> Much of love,  
> Alika ♡


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